...

I have been in a really bad slump lately. Worse than it's been in a really long time. And you know, I can blame it on my meds not working properly anymore, and I'm sure that's part of it, because there's no reason I should be feeling quite this bad with the things I'm dealing with lately.

But a lot of it is also just feeling completely out of control in my life. There are about a thousand things that are beyond my control, but which affect my life profoundly. I don't feel like getting into it all here in my blog, but suffice it to say that about the only thing I have control over right now is what music I listen to in the mornings. That's it.

And so I feel constant frustration. I feel anger. I feel helplessness. And all of those feelings compound and multiply until I'm being sucked into a bottomless pit of despair. Now, it's not like anybody is dying, or anything majorly depressing like that. It's a lot of little things and medium-sized things, and for a person with a normal brain, my current life situation would cause stress and frustration, maybe a few cranky days. But with my brain and its faulty wiring, I end up in a deep depression. Heaven help me if something catastrophic *actually* happened to me. I think my head might literally implode.

So I guess I'm going to try to take control of the little things I can control. I can control my immediate environment by continuing to organize and purge, maybe even decorate. I can do the yard work that I've been putting off. I can clean my car. I can keep my eyebrows plucked. And I can try to let go of the things that I can't control, and try to be more flexible.

Maybe it won't help. But it probably won't hurt.

I can't.

I've been really struggling for the past couple of days. I can do the things that I absolutely have to do, like getting the kids from school and going to work, but if it doesn't have to be done, I can't bring myself to do it. It takes all my energy to do those few things that must be done and I don't have any left for the other stuff.

And the funny thing is that I'm more debilitated by this downswing than I used to be before I was getting treatment for my depression. I guess it's because I was always living in some state of depression before, so I was used to it, and if I let it keep me from living life when I felt bad I would literally never get out of bed. So I pushed through it. Now, I'm not used to it. I know what it's like to not live under the cloud, and I know what it's like to have energy and motivation, and when those things are gone I don't know how to function.

I'm not sure this is progress.

New year, old me

Once upon a time I loved to make New Year's Resolutions. I would make like 20 of those suckers. And by January 3, I would have failed, forgotten, or abandoned all of them. The guilt would stick with me through March, and then I would spend the rest of the year doing what I'd always done.

So for the past several years I haven't made any resolutions, and it's wonderful. Because really, what makes January 1 any different from April 4, or September 15? Not much. It's just an arbitrary boundary between two years. I still make goals for myself, but I don't wait for the new year to make them.

Are there things I would like to accomplish this year? Yes. I would like to get active, and actually finish the C25K program. I've been wanting to do that since last spring, and I keep starting and stopping, but not giving up entirely. I would like to change the way I eat so that I can feel better, and find the foods that are giving me issues. One of those is cheese. I love cheese, but it hates me, so I'm not going to eat it anymore. And I would like to get better about keeping up with my life. Things are getting busier around here, and my house and relationships are suffering a bit. I need to figure out a way to balance and manage my time better, and I'm already taking steps toward that goal.

Some of these things I can start right away. Some of them I can't, at least not without major inconvenience, and we all know I'm not a fan of inconvenient things. Like the running. I'm not running in the snow. Just not doing it. So that one needs to wait, unless I can figure out how to work going to the gym into my schedule. 

Um... I forgot what my point was. So I'll just finish my coffee.

A definition

I'm only going to say one thing on the subject.

Phil Robertson is not being persecuted for being a Christian.

People all over the world are actually being persecuted for being Christians (and other faiths). Right now, as I type this, people are dying for their faith. They are being tortured. Their homes are being burned, their families killed. Children are suffering. THAT is persecution.

An old guy getting suspended (not even definitively fired yet) from one million-dollar job is not persecution. Especially not when said old guy already has another multi-million dollar company under his belt. Companies refusing to sell products advertising his television show is not persecution. Phil Robertson and his family are safe. They are well-fed. They have a warm home. Whatever you may think about the situation, he is not being persecuted.

What a blessing that we live in such a perfect little bubble where a celebrity getting trash-talked and maybe fired can be equated to torture.

There's your reality check.

Amy's Guide to Making Homemade Bread Crumbs

Step 1:
See the half-used bag of hot dog buns on the counter and get annoyed at your children because when you don't have hot dog buns, they insist on having a bun with their hot dogs, but when you do have buns, they won't eat them.

Step 2:
Decide that you are not going to throw away any more hot dog buns ever, but since you're not mean enough to make the minions eat stale buns, maybe they'd make good bread crumbs. Because, hey, you just wrote those on the grocery list. If you make some, you can cross that right back off!

Step 3:
Turn on the oven to the lowest heat it can go. Nobody likes burned bread crumbs. Open up all the buns from the correct side except one, because that one is a little smooshed and it's really hard to see which is the "right" side,  and now that you've started ripping open the wrong side you might as well finish the job. Mangled buns make good crumbs too. Put all the buns on a baking pan thing.

Step 4:
Wonder how long you should leave them in the oven. Shrug your shoulders and say, "Eh, I'll wing it." Put the pan in the oven.

Step 5:
Get involved doing other stuff and completely forget about the fact that you have bread in the oven.

Step 6:
At some point in the afternoon, hear the oven's thermostat click off and have a little freak-out because ZOMGTHEBUNSARESTILLINTHEOVEN.

Step 7:
Retrieve the pan full of buns from the oven, and marvel over the fact that they are not burned, and hey, they feel kind of crunchy and crumbish! Put them in the food processor and make lots of noise and scare the guinea pig half to death. Then pour the crumbs into the old bread crumb canister, and only cuss once because you spilled some on the floor. Of course you did. OF COURSE.

All done!

Sewing for idiots

I wanted to make Claire a tote bag for her dance shoes, since she didn't have anything for them. Found this tutorial: http://www.home-ec101.com/make-it-this-weekend-basic-lined-totepurse/ But the step where you have to put the pieces all together wasn't super clear, and I was confused. So after picking and redoing the same top seam twice, it's finally done!

 It's fully lined, and it has a box bottom so it's nice and roomy. Of course I didn't do the handle like she said, because I thought that was boring. Mine looks better. And the part that I improvised ended up being the easiest part for me. Whatever. And it's far from perfect, but she likes it, and that's all that matters. :D

What we say

My friend posted this on Facebook: http://hopeave.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-her-body/ Go read it and then come back.

Did you read it?

So my first instinct was, "YEAH! Right on!"

But then I thought about it a little more.

Yes, it's important to tell our daughters (and our sons) that they're strong and smart. It's important to encourage them to be active for the sake of being active and healthy, not for vanity. It's important to encourage them to try new things, but not to force them to do things they hate. Those things are all far more important than outward appearance.

But the truth of the matter is, we all do have an outward appearance. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and it won't instill more self-confidence. You can't just wish it away. And while I want my children, both my daughter AND my son, to know that health and strength and kindness are far more important than outward beauty, I also want them to look in the mirror and like what they see.

So I tell my daughter that her hair is beautiful. And I tell my son that his smile is amazing. And I tell them both that they have lovely eyes. And I ALSO tell them that they're strong, and smart, and kind, and loving. And I ALSO tell them when they're being mean, and when they're making bad choices, and when they're acting beneath their maturity level, because part of a positive self-image is being able to see oneself in a realistic light. Their appearance is not their self-worth, but it is part of their self-identity. It's not invisible just because we don't talk about it.

You can't just ignore an entire aspect of a human being and expect it to go away. Our children have faces and bodies, and there are beautiful aspects to those bodies that they need to appreciate. We don't get to pick and choose the things that we'll talk about and just assume that they'll have a positive self-image if we don't ever say anything about what they look like -- that's not how it works. Because OTHER PEOPLE are going to say things about what they look like, and what other people look like. Good and bad. Every single day. So we can't ignore it. But we can show them how to appreciate what they have, how to love themselves on the inside AND the outside.